I never knew what it took to win

After the end of my last serious relationship I took some time out for myself until I finally started to feel like I was ready to move on to someone better suited to me.

My main search for a new soul mate is through dating apps. Dating apps deal with the issue of whether or not a woman is looking for a possible romantic connection. If she's on there it's a fairly safe bet she's after a lover... although some are not! Other forms of dating are more tricky for me as I'm not the kind of guy to prowl bars, approach women in the street or move in on some woman I've been chatting to on social media. I'm not the most assertive of males so these methods are problematic for me unless I bump in to a female who's going to be pretty blunt with me.

Dating app profiles are crap. I can show off loads of pictures but when it comes to showing you the real me you maybe get a handful of words that just scratch the surface. Pretty worthless, all my strengths are instantly neutered whilst my weaker points are on display in all their glory.

So this is my dating app profile I wish I had.

I'm complex. I mean really complex. I have lots of conflicting elements. I find it difficult to find a partner because often a woman will fit some of my requirements but then not match the conflicting side. Let me explain my conflicts through Astrology, one of the pleasures in my life (if you think Astrology is utter crap then we're already on rocky ground).

When I was born Venus, the planet of love, was in the logical air sign of Aquarius. At the same Mars, the planet associated with sex and what drives us forwards, was in the dreamy water sign of Pisces. These side by side signs don't share much in common but the two planets work together to show what I want and need in a lover and love itself.

Aquarius is detached, it values intelligence and logic. Aquarius has a take it or leave it approach to love and it knows what it wants. If you want to date someone with Venus in Aquarius you'll need to be their best friend as well and you definitely can't be intellectually bereft. You don't have to be a genius but if you've coasted through life relying on your looks rather than your brain you're going to fall down when you open your beautiful mouth and spout something unintelligent.

Pisces appears detached but the reality is it's just very laid back and passive. Mars in Pisces becomes a fantastic drive for dreams, fantasies and emotions. Mars in Pisces desire can feel like a flood for both the one with that placement and the one they desire. Sexually Mars in Pisces is like a chameleon when at it's best, adapting to their lovers style, but if there is no emotional quality to the sex then the native will have to overcome some hurdles to achieve satisfaction. Mars in Pisces loves intensely but will let someone go whilst still burning a candle for them years after.

So here I am. I harbour intense feelings of passion. I can imagine someone as a lover. Sex is very much an emotional act as it is a physical one. When I'm with someone I can express incredible depth of feelings... or I can be incredibly logical, analysing my person of interest so that I can completely understand them. If I can't talk to them then I get bored so quickly I just loose interest. Sex is something that is as much a mental act as it is physical.

So how do I balance these two elements? Emotions have to tie up with the mind. I need someone who is logical but not so logical that she doesn't dream because her dreams are just as attractive. Sex is like a banquet of emotional desires mixed with the post coital chat about life, the universe and everything. I want a partner I can both worship because she admires me and have her admire me so much that I worship her. I need to be able to have my own space away from the intensity of the connection but I also need to have intense passion so that I can value that time when I have some space. I've found that this combination of Pisces and Aquarius draws me to the alternative, quirky and spiritually unconventional even though I'm not a huge believer, taking a more logical approach to the occult for myself. If I can't talk to a woman for hours I don't feel anything towards her beyond friendship. If a woman can talk to me for hours and shares her deepest darkest thoughts with me than she opens up my more vulnerable side that will desire her relentlessly.

So that's how I balance logic and my dreams. Now I need to discuss my struggle with commitment which is a different balancing act. I talked about needing to feel loved and yet needing freedom. In astrology this is represented by my Moon being opposite my Uranus. We've moved away from logic and dreams to the need for emotional fulfilment and the need for change. In previous relationships I have often experienced happiness before suddenly feeling that I'm not sure I want the relationship. Often this is not serious, I just need to have to myself again similar to the balancing act with my Mars and Venus. I always need a little bit of friction to make things work and I'm not talking about sex now, I'm talking about the relationship as a whole. Permanent happiness is gets boring, my Uranus doesn't want that, but once my Uranus has had it's way my Moon is ready to remind me that the friction is about two people being real with each other rather than merging as one, then the two separate people can enjoy the feelings of being a couple.

I'm a nightmare. This is why I've been single for over 3 years at the time of writing this. The dreamers often find me too cold and logical. The logical women often loose me because I can't share my dreams with them. Then if I meet a woman that does want to date me she has to survive both my intense desire to quickly take her as my lover as well as my resistance to coupling up because I like my freedom. She'll  need to give me just enough space so that I'm left feeling like I really want to share all this glorious free space with her. Perhaps a woman with an addiction to roller coasters can understand that one.

I could tell you about my interests but let's be honest, my pleasures are like my other desires. I love astrology and have a curiosity about other arcane arts but I'm a Satanist who sees my religion as non-spiritual, steeped in psychology. I like to be realistic except for when I'm not. I love sci-fi and horror movies when I'm not busy watching drama's or even documentaries. My musical taste is rock and metal but I have a lot of passion for songs not in those genres that appeal to me. I love spending hours on my mobile but I sometimes feel like I'm spending too much time not doing something other than being on my mobile. I love nature, I don't get enough of it, but then I love city centres and city breaks. I'm a meat eater who enjoys vegetarian food. I don't like reality TV and yet people watching and trying to figure them out is fascinating. I can play out in words some of the darkest fantasies yet I have a strong sense of right and wrong.

I could go insane, but in my moments of insanity I feel like I'm the healthy real me I've always needed to be.

I know what I want in a lover, the impossible dream that I'm always prepared to walk away from if she's not enough of what I need. I even have my natal Venus in my 7th house of partnerships so the desire to be in a relationship is the monkey on my back.

Love and finding a lover is like playing the lottery only now it feels like it's been mixed with a game of strategy. I never knew what it took to win in the past, I just got lucky (at least until my happiness turned to ash). I wonder when I'll next experience a turn of good luck. This time can the luck be more real, that's my dream.