#Dear10yearsagome

Dear James,

Greetings from 2018. I've taken this opportunity to write you a letter for you to read in 2008.

I'd like to lie to you. Tell you that everything is going to be okay. Congratulate you on the great decisions you're making now that will take dreams and make them much more than that, setting you up for the future.

Reality is harsh. This is one of the tough lessons you still need to learn. The good news is that the next 10 years will put you on a pathway to an excellent learning curve that will change you even more.

First things first I want to talk to you about self deception. This is something that has become a feature in your life. I know that you know you've overlooked the truth or found a way to subvert it so that you can have your fantasy as reality. Eventually you're going to have to accept that you can't lie to yourself anymore, you can't keep using self subterfuge to maintain the life you want to hold on to. One day you're going to have to deal with accepting that many things are not as you see them.

Your marriage. You already know it's not perfect and that you aren't completely happy. You will find ways to make the marriage happy but they will be things that prolong a relationship both you and Lana should have exited when you both first started seeing each other. In the early days you remember how awful it was and yet you both stuck it out. Those times are not done, they will come back and you will struggle for a long time to subdue them. You can't, they will eventually overpower you. Learn when to stop fighting for something that isn't worth fighting for.

You've just started promoting burlesque shows. You are going on such an adventure with this but it's important to remember that adventures have moments of adversity and a way of revealing the truth about yourself as well as the people around you. Enjoy the ride, be ready for the problems and remember that some things are not forever. But when your time behind the scenes is over you will still have something that brings you joy.

Your studies in psychotherapy are so important. You must continue them until their natural end. The struggles you face are worth it. When other parts of your life fall by the wayside and you face loosing everything it will be the work you do in psychotherapy that will be your biggest form of support. If you don't go down this path you will never find the way to personal growth and when the worst times hit you won't survive them. I'm serious about this one, you will stare death in the face and want to welcome him as a friend, you won't have anyone you feel you can ask for help as one by one all those who could help you reveal that they can't. In a defining moment you will have to be mentally stronger than you have ever been before and stop yourself from self destructing.

You have externalised all your worth and feelings of love. You aren't worth anything unless you're of value to others. You're only worthy of love is someone loves you. These ways of being are so false but so easy for you to do. The most painful and difficult lesson you will ever learn is to finally love yourself and I mean healthy love. You're going to put yourself through some terrible experiences as you try to be loved only to face more and more illusions and self deception until it breaks you. You'll try to switch off your feelings but you won't be allowed to do so when you do. Until you start to look within yourself for the love and care you crave you'll continue to suffer.

Love your cats as much as you can. You'll be there at the end for two of them as they take their final breaths. I'd like to tell you not to hate yourself for not being able to save them but that would be impossible. Accepting that you can't perform miracles pales in comparison to being with someone you love as they die because you chose to end their suffering. Just be aware that in the end you will accept that you did the only kind thing you could.

You will enter a job that feels like a curse. For a long time you will resent the company you end up working for but it will prove to be an important part of your life, giving you that one piece of hope that will be there for you when you loose everything else. It won't be your dream job but it will be what you need to start enjoying your life again.

Gehenna, your stage persona in burlesque, is going to be so much more than a character. You're going to find him problematic and you're going to try and eliminate him from your life. That's not going to happen. Gehenna is an authentic part of yourself that you need to accept. Don't let others tell you how to be, be you.

My letter to you seems very much doom and gloom. The reality is you're living a very unhealthy life. I can tell you that you are going to have to do a lot of hard work without any instantly gratifying reward. You're going to have to restart your adult life from the start all over again when you're in your early 40's. Your midlife really will be a crisis and even now as I write this I can't claim that your life is perfect, but you will never have been a better man than you have been when you get to 46. Everything you will go through over the next 10 years will be worth it.

Love

James