I have fallen down so many times in my life and had to start again from ground zero that I once felt like I was my own worst enemy. I have mastered the skill of opening my mouth or typing something in to a status and then causing irreparable harm to myself in the eyes of others. Any apology was never going to make up for my failings and trust was gone. So I would sink to an all new depth that I had probably created for myself because most normal people didn't need a depth beyond those that already existed. On a personal level I was continuously surprised at the personal devastation I could inflict upon myself. Some people get to a stage where they self harm to have some semblance of control over themselves, I would skip the physical harm and just drop one alienating bomb after another on myself. Then I would self purge the demons others would tell me I carried and find myself back at the beginning again on a new path through life that wasn't as nice as the older easier one I was part way down in the past.
The Gehenna Complex, my original blog, was one of those falling down moments. To be honest it was more a moment of seeing the cliff edge, knowing it was a fatal fall to the bottom and then taking a long run at that cliff edge, thinking I'd be okay because I had a really good idea that couldn't possibly result in my running off the cliff edge in to the abyss.
That was a pretty hard impact when I hit the ground.
The fallout that followed was an interesting moment when I found out that my real world friends just rolled their eyes at me, called me am idiot (not the actual word) and life continued as normal. Some social media friends revealed themselves to be more concerned with their social standing in other groups until the heat died down. One person who had nothing to gain from me decided to offer an olive branch whilst, like my real world friends, being congruent with me over my latest fall. Lots of other associates left, some eventually wandered back but nothing would be the same again. One person, a complete stranger to me at the time of my fall, unknowingly forced me to revisit that moment and deal with the real consequences of my actions for that fall in a way I never imagined would happen, that was excruciatingly painful and the memory has lived with me ever since.
Falling down is important. Personal failure is important. When I hit rock bottom I have to look at the world with a mind that is completely and painfully aware. Whether the fall is the end of a relationship, the end of a friendship, the death of a dream, the closing of doors or the loss of opportunity there are always lessons to learn and realities to finally see.
Lying to ourselves or living in an inauthentic world we pretend is real are all preparations for the inevitable fall. We all will find something when we hit the ground, we just may not realise it until long after we have picked ourselves up again.
What I found when I fell down was the realisation that the life I had lived was over. I had refused to accept it, somehow holding on to the fantasy that one day I would return to where I had been. In the process of lying to myself my unconscious mind sought to free me and used my most tried and tested self destructive method to do so.
Having isolated myself I then found myself facing homelessness again, this time with all my financial resources exhausted and those friends and family left unable to assist me. This was the first time in my life that I felt like ending my life.
Suicidal feelings are insane. Some people use suicide as a call for help when they feel powerless to ask for help. I wasn't in that mind set. I'd already asked for help and come up blank. My suicidal thoughts deliberately remained firmly within my head. The stress and anxiety had broken through the usual self preservation that protects me and I was now logically processing the multiple options available to me of how to end my life. After all the turmoil and emotional anguish of trying to find a way I was finally completely calm, I had a way forward. One person tried to safeguard me when my Gehenna Complex blog fall happened. I made a conscious choice not to say anything to her. she might have interfered now that I needed to be in complete control of my destiny.
Writing this blog now makes me wonder if this is how self-harmers feel, do they become overloaded with feelings before a calm voice tells them 'if you hurt yourself you'll be free of the other pain.'
Once again I had fallen down. In my worst moments I saw the way out of this latest issue. I had been taught not to need other people through my last fall. Now I was faced with saving my own life. I remember having to self counsel myself. I felt like two completely calm voices were in conflict inside my head. In the end the voice of self preservation was the stronger, calmer and more logical of the two. Then I went to my employer at the time, apologised for not giving them the required notice before leaving and was promptly thrown the lifeline I needed. Had I not seen that only I could help myself I would have wasted more time I didn't have and not had the time needed to get myself a new home, falling down again made me do what I needed to do.
So when you do fall down just remember to realise that there are hard lessons during that fall that you may only find when you are staring at the ground. Failure is not always the end, sometimes it's the beginning.
I have so much more to tell you, even if you is just me working thoughts through my head.
This is not the end.
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