There's nothing better than a good lie

With apologies to my Godmother.

When I was a child I was allowed excessive freedom by my unhappily married parents. Sometimes I would stay with my Godparents which created an internal conflict for me. My Godmother had a healthy belief in boundaries for children, something that I resented her for because my life away from her did not have them. Any thought of rebelling was soon decided against because my Godmother was anything but a pushover. This was my first memory of wearing a psychological mask whilst around people.

Wearing a mask became a safety mechanism for me. I was an only child and never one for mixing with other children. I did have friends but they were few and far between. I was as fine not hanging out with what friends I had as I was more than capable of entertaining myself through my own imagination, however this loosing myself in my imagination also left me disconnected from my peers and thus an easy target for discrimination and abuse.

I could tell you that my early years once I became of a certain school age were Hell. I wouldn't be lying if I did. My defence against institutionalised bullying was to develop a resilience that was near unbreakable. I was the child and young teenager that just got back up again and continued as normal, normal for me anyway.

Poor boundaries, not being accepted, feeling happiest when not fitting in and becoming a target because I chose to be different are all the ingredients I needed to become very good at wearing a mask.

One of my closest friends, someone I've known for nearly 30 years, looked clean through my mask when I first met him. I was going through an angry stage and he was in the right place at the right time. I was aggressive towards him in an inauthentic way so he responded by telling me that it would be a lot better if we went to the pub and had a beer instead. Although I do from time to time still wear my mask with him it is now more a running joke and he always takes me to task over it without an ounce of malice.

In many other areas of life I learnt to wear a mask. Not wearing a mask could cause me problems due to my failed lessons on fitting in. The mask became a strategy to fit in to a world I didn't feel a part of. I had learnt indirectly from my parents how to fake it as they lied to themselves and each other about their marriage. There's nothing better than a good lie.

I carried on that belief about there being nothing better than a good lie as I went from failed relationship to failed relationship. Sometimes I wore the mask to fool myself, an unhealthy practice I have now learnt to curb through checking what I'm thinking with what actually is.

My mask has evolved though. Now I have a fun way to use it. In certain cases I use my mask for mischief. Sometimes other people project their fantasies on to me, fantasies that are far from the truth and used to bring themselves up at my expense. If the person or persons guilty of the projections are annoying or irritating enough I will play in to their fantasies and then turn them against them. As a child I spent countless hours in my head, as an adult I took an interest in how people think and behave. Although I'm far from an expert I have been known to use my mask to turn other people's projections on to me back on to them. People's minds are not powerful weapons, so I wear the mask they have given me and ramp it up. From the woman at a party who decided iconic rock star Marilyn Manson was responsible for the Columbine school shooting to the weird woman who stalked me on AOL and the real world because I was an evil Satanist to the work colleague who decided I was some kind of deviant. I have worn a mask for all of them. All have solidified their belief of what I was before I slipped my mask of to other people around them.

Wearing a mask has its drawbacks. It can be exhausting. Not being able to be the real me around people isn't always healthy. Sometimes I've been forced to wear a mask for a long time. My last serious relationship required me to wear a mask for years, taking off the mask because I was so tired of tricking myself in to accepting the unhealthy relationship was slowly destroying me and turning me in to a monster.

Wearing a mask can also be fun. Let's just say I indulged some fantasies with women who only wanted fantasies. Adapting to their likes was an important part of the mask wearing. Some did want more. Only one did I unmask for in every sense of the word but it backfired as I was the spitting image of a boyfriend she had been in a bad relationship with. From that point onwards I told other women to enjoy the fantasy. Lesson learnt the hard way.

The truth is that the comment there's nothing better than a good lie is just another mask.

Being able to take my mask off and being completely authentic with someone else is a lot more satisfying, even if it's rare.

When I take my mask off and connect there is nothing better than being real with someone. I want some people to see the real me. But more importantly, when I take my mask off it's because the person I do that with accepts me as I am.

Those that get the mask receive nothing better than a good lie, often a good lie they may have played a part in creating.