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When it comes to dating the word no is brilliant.

If someone you don't feel romantically interested in then no or other words and terms that clearly say the same thing are perfect.

Saying no to someone will quickly reveal the other person.

If your no generates a hostile response then it's blatantly obvious that the other person views you more as an extension of their ego or something they were entitled to in their own minds rather than a real person with freedom of choice.

No can also change your relationship for the better if the person asking modifies their behaviour towards you, accepting the boundary and choosing friendship instead, if that's an option. In this instance you've been shown a form of respect whilst the other person has made a conscious effort to accept your decision but knows the value of still socialising with you.

No is also useful if accepted because then it puts the power of attraction in the asked. Imagine not being sure about someone so you say no, then you get to spend time with the asker as a friend, develop a new connection that makes you want to say yes. Now you, the one who said no, gets to be the one asking the question. Sure, you might be told no yourself but that's just the way it goes.

No is kind. Vague forms of rejection that are done to protect the feelings of the rejected whilst you hope they lose interest are dreadful. No in the form of 'I need to sort some stuff out right now so won't be dating anyone' might seem like a good idea but if 6 months down the line the asker is still waiting or thinking they still have a chance then your avoidance of the awkward few seconds or minutes is potentially damaging. A straight out no may feel cruel but it frees the person on the receiving end to recover from the rejection and move on. A kind lie is far more cruel, it creates hope. Of course some may genuinely not be ready but may want more from the asker later, in this case stick with no rather than blurring boundaries and then take the responsibility of asking yourself when you're ready.

No needs to be managed to be effective. Saying no but then engaging in flirting and sexual banter with the rejected is likely to create confusion or generate further requests that you may not want or need. Shutting down the flirty banter with the rejected until it's very clear that their attention is no longer on you or that they can healthily engage back without it causing problems is very freeing for both parties. The only reason you should say no but then blatantly flirt with the rejected is when you're the type that uses no as a way of saying yes but you need the chase first... that's a whole different ball game.

I've experienced plenty of no responses. The worst two were the kind lie version and the no but I will still blatantly flirt with you version. The kind lie version was irritating because it was a lie. In this case I maintained a friendship with the woman but it was very shallow and distant, more of an acquaintance. The no but blatantly flirting version ended up as an utter car wreck and it ended abruptly. This no was an utter head fuck. I suspect the woman involved was a blatant attention seeker with parasitic tendencies. The more she flirted with no boundaries in place the more I believed she was dishonest about saying no, so I asked her again. In the end she asked the question 'would you fuck me if I asked you to' one time too many and the penny dropped that she was doing this purely for her ego, not because she had any real attraction to me. I cut her out of my life completely.

The best times I've received a no were brilliant even if at the time I was deeply disappointed. One woman was so soft and gentle whe she firmly pointed out that she's never date me that it became impossible for me to have issues with her. Thankfully we had a break from each other but when we did reconnect it was friendly and warm. In a healthy progression we started to socialise but without any flirting. As I got to know her better, despite my attraction to her remaining, I started to notice things about her life choices that didn't fit my own. She was still an attractive woman, physically looking my dream ideal and mentally stimulating, but my under control desire for more changed as I saw no hope of a happy relationship with her. Even better, with this change we then started to indulge in meaningless flirty banter because it no longer mattered. Now I have a brilliant friend.

To my shame I will admit that I have fucked up on one of the rare times I was asked and said no. Although I was at the time strongly desiring a relationship the woman asking me just didn't make me want one with her. Worse still, she was quite pushy and saw my no as something to somehow bypass whilst I didn't maintain a healthy level of no, instead unfairly indulging in flirty banter with her. Thankfully I realised the hell I was creating for both of us and finally shut her down. She wasn't happy and I can't blame her, but it was done soon enough for us to save the friendship, although she does fairly give me shit for what I did. We're now in a healthy friendship area where we can joke around.

And then there's the enigma of the woman I didn't really notice that much. I always had a nice feeling towards her but she seemed to occupy a blind spot for me. The funniest thing is I never thought of her as relationship material until she one day blurted out 'I'd never date you, that's something that will never happen' when I was busy messing about in a large social group, acting like a peacock and telling everyone how desirable I am. It was that moment that I developing an attraction to her... talk about bloody annoying! On the plus side I believe that no means no even if I don't like it. At the moment I have my attraction to her under control, although I do find myself being more friendly towards her. At some point I know my attraction will start to fade and that can only be a good thing, until then I'll be mindful of not putting too much importance in to any exchanges we have, that's just wishful thinking on my part and really not helpful.

No means no and that means no drama.

No means no is healthy.