When it comes to dating the word no is brilliant.

If someone you don't feel romantically interested in then no or other words and terms that clearly say the same thing are perfect.

Saying no to someone will quickly reveal the other person.

If your no generates a hostile response then it's blatantly obvious that the other person views you more as an extension of their ego or something they were entitled to in their own minds rather than a real person with freedom of choice.

No can also change your relationship for the better if the person asking modifies their behaviour towards you, accepting the boundary and choosing friendship instead, if that's an option. In this instance you've been shown a form of respect whilst the other person has made a conscious effort to accept your decision but knows the value of still socialising with you.

No is also useful if accepted because then it puts the power of attraction in the asked. Imagine not being sure about someone so you say no, then you get to spend time with the asker as a friend, develop a new connection that makes you want to say yes. Now you, the one who said no, gets to be the one asking the question. Sure, you might be told no yourself but that's just the way it goes.

No is kind. Vague forms of rejection that are done to protect the feelings of the rejected whilst you hope they lose interest are dreadful. No in the form of 'I need to sort some stuff out right now so won't be dating anyone' might seem like a good idea but if 6 months down the line the asker is still waiting or thinking they still have a chance then your avoidance of the awkward few seconds or minutes is potentially damaging. A straight out no may feel cruel but it frees the person on the receiving end to recover from the rejection and move on. A kind lie is far more cruel, it creates hope. Of course some may genuinely not be ready but may want more from the asker later, in this case stick with no rather than blurring boundaries and then take the responsibility of asking yourself when you're ready.

No needs to be managed to be effective. Saying no but then engaging in flirting and sexual banter with the rejected is likely to create confusion or generate further requests that you may not want or need. Shutting down the flirty banter with the rejected until it's very clear that their attention is no longer on you or that they can healthily engage back without it causing problems is very freeing for both parties. The only reason you should say no but then blatantly flirt with the rejected is when you're the type that uses no as a way of saying yes but you need the chase first... that's a whole different ball game.

I've experienced plenty of no responses. The worst two were the kind lie version and the no but I will still blatantly flirt with you version. The kind lie version was irritating because it was a lie. In this case I maintained a friendship with the woman but it was very shallow and distant, more of an acquaintance. The no but blatantly flirting version ended up as an utter car wreck and it ended abruptly. This no was an utter head fuck. I suspect the woman involved was a blatant attention seeker with parasitic tendencies. The more she flirted with no boundaries in place the more I believed she was dishonest about saying no, so I asked her again. In the end she asked the question 'would you fuck me if I asked you to' one time too many and the penny dropped that she was doing this purely for her ego, not because she had any real attraction to me. I cut her out of my life completely.

The best times I've received a no were brilliant even if at the time I was deeply disappointed. One woman was so soft and gentle whe she firmly pointed out that she's never date me that it became impossible for me to have issues with her. Thankfully we had a break from each other but when we did reconnect it was friendly and warm. In a healthy progression we started to socialise but without any flirting. As I got to know her better, despite my attraction to her remaining, I started to notice things about her life choices that didn't fit my own. She was still an attractive woman, physically looking my dream ideal and mentally stimulating, but my under control desire for more changed as I saw no hope of a happy relationship with her. Even better, with this change we then started to indulge in meaningless flirty banter because it no longer mattered. Now I have a brilliant friend.

To my shame I will admit that I have fucked up on one of the rare times I was asked and said no. Although I was at the time strongly desiring a relationship the woman asking me just didn't make me want one with her. Worse still, she was quite pushy and saw my no as something to somehow bypass whilst I didn't maintain a healthy level of no, instead unfairly indulging in flirty banter with her. Thankfully I realised the hell I was creating for both of us and finally shut her down. She wasn't happy and I can't blame her, but it was done soon enough for us to save the friendship, although she does fairly give me shit for what I did. We're now in a healthy friendship area where we can joke around.

And then there's the enigma of the woman I didn't really notice that much. I always had a nice feeling towards her but she seemed to occupy a blind spot for me. The funniest thing is I never thought of her as relationship material until she one day blurted out 'I'd never date you, that's something that will never happen' when I was busy messing about in a large social group, acting like a peacock and telling everyone how desirable I am. It was that moment that I developing an attraction to her... talk about bloody annoying! On the plus side I believe that no means no even if I don't like it. At the moment I have my attraction to her under control, although I do find myself being more friendly towards her. At some point I know my attraction will start to fade and that can only be a good thing, until then I'll be mindful of not putting too much importance in to any exchanges we have, that's just wishful thinking on my part and really not helpful.

No means no and that means no drama.

No means no is healthy.

I never knew what it took to win

After the end of my last serious relationship I took some time out for myself until I finally started to feel like I was ready to move on to someone better suited to me.

My main search for a new soul mate is through dating apps. Dating apps deal with the issue of whether or not a woman is looking for a possible romantic connection. If she's on there it's a fairly safe bet she's after a lover... although some are not! Other forms of dating are more tricky for me as I'm not the kind of guy to prowl bars, approach women in the street or move in on some woman I've been chatting to on social media. I'm not the most assertive of males so these methods are problematic for me unless I bump in to a female who's going to be pretty blunt with me.

Dating app profiles are crap. I can show off loads of pictures but when it comes to showing you the real me you maybe get a handful of words that just scratch the surface. Pretty worthless, all my strengths are instantly neutered whilst my weaker points are on display in all their glory.

So this is my dating app profile I wish I had.

I'm complex. I mean really complex. I have lots of conflicting elements. I find it difficult to find a partner because often a woman will fit some of my requirements but then not match the conflicting side. Let me explain my conflicts through Astrology, one of the pleasures in my life (if you think Astrology is utter crap then we're already on rocky ground).

When I was born Venus, the planet of love, was in the logical air sign of Aquarius. At the same Mars, the planet associated with sex and what drives us forwards, was in the dreamy water sign of Pisces. These side by side signs don't share much in common but the two planets work together to show what I want and need in a lover and love itself.

Aquarius is detached, it values intelligence and logic. Aquarius has a take it or leave it approach to love and it knows what it wants. If you want to date someone with Venus in Aquarius you'll need to be their best friend as well and you definitely can't be intellectually bereft. You don't have to be a genius but if you've coasted through life relying on your looks rather than your brain you're going to fall down when you open your beautiful mouth and spout something unintelligent.

Pisces appears detached but the reality is it's just very laid back and passive. Mars in Pisces becomes a fantastic drive for dreams, fantasies and emotions. Mars in Pisces desire can feel like a flood for both the one with that placement and the one they desire. Sexually Mars in Pisces is like a chameleon when at it's best, adapting to their lovers style, but if there is no emotional quality to the sex then the native will have to overcome some hurdles to achieve satisfaction. Mars in Pisces loves intensely but will let someone go whilst still burning a candle for them years after.

So here I am. I harbour intense feelings of passion. I can imagine someone as a lover. Sex is very much an emotional act as it is a physical one. When I'm with someone I can express incredible depth of feelings... or I can be incredibly logical, analysing my person of interest so that I can completely understand them. If I can't talk to them then I get bored so quickly I just loose interest. Sex is something that is as much a mental act as it is physical.

So how do I balance these two elements? Emotions have to tie up with the mind. I need someone who is logical but not so logical that she doesn't dream because her dreams are just as attractive. Sex is like a banquet of emotional desires mixed with the post coital chat about life, the universe and everything. I want a partner I can both worship because she admires me and have her admire me so much that I worship her. I need to be able to have my own space away from the intensity of the connection but I also need to have intense passion so that I can value that time when I have some space. I've found that this combination of Pisces and Aquarius draws me to the alternative, quirky and spiritually unconventional even though I'm not a huge believer, taking a more logical approach to the occult for myself. If I can't talk to a woman for hours I don't feel anything towards her beyond friendship. If a woman can talk to me for hours and shares her deepest darkest thoughts with me than she opens up my more vulnerable side that will desire her relentlessly.

So that's how I balance logic and my dreams. Now I need to discuss my struggle with commitment which is a different balancing act. I talked about needing to feel loved and yet needing freedom. In astrology this is represented by my Moon being opposite my Uranus. We've moved away from logic and dreams to the need for emotional fulfilment and the need for change. In previous relationships I have often experienced happiness before suddenly feeling that I'm not sure I want the relationship. Often this is not serious, I just need to have to myself again similar to the balancing act with my Mars and Venus. I always need a little bit of friction to make things work and I'm not talking about sex now, I'm talking about the relationship as a whole. Permanent happiness is gets boring, my Uranus doesn't want that, but once my Uranus has had it's way my Moon is ready to remind me that the friction is about two people being real with each other rather than merging as one, then the two separate people can enjoy the feelings of being a couple.

I'm a nightmare. This is why I've been single for over 3 years at the time of writing this. The dreamers often find me too cold and logical. The logical women often loose me because I can't share my dreams with them. Then if I meet a woman that does want to date me she has to survive both my intense desire to quickly take her as my lover as well as my resistance to coupling up because I like my freedom. She'll  need to give me just enough space so that I'm left feeling like I really want to share all this glorious free space with her. Perhaps a woman with an addiction to roller coasters can understand that one.

I could tell you about my interests but let's be honest, my pleasures are like my other desires. I love astrology and have a curiosity about other arcane arts but I'm a Satanist who sees my religion as non-spiritual, steeped in psychology. I like to be realistic except for when I'm not. I love sci-fi and horror movies when I'm not busy watching drama's or even documentaries. My musical taste is rock and metal but I have a lot of passion for songs not in those genres that appeal to me. I love spending hours on my mobile but I sometimes feel like I'm spending too much time not doing something other than being on my mobile. I love nature, I don't get enough of it, but then I love city centres and city breaks. I'm a meat eater who enjoys vegetarian food. I don't like reality TV and yet people watching and trying to figure them out is fascinating. I can play out in words some of the darkest fantasies yet I have a strong sense of right and wrong.

I could go insane, but in my moments of insanity I feel like I'm the healthy real me I've always needed to be.

I know what I want in a lover, the impossible dream that I'm always prepared to walk away from if she's not enough of what I need. I even have my natal Venus in my 7th house of partnerships so the desire to be in a relationship is the monkey on my back.

Love and finding a lover is like playing the lottery only now it feels like it's been mixed with a game of strategy. I never knew what it took to win in the past, I just got lucky (at least until my happiness turned to ash). I wonder when I'll next experience a turn of good luck. This time can the luck be more real, that's my dream.

#Dear10yearsagome

Dear James,

Greetings from 2018. I've taken this opportunity to write you a letter for you to read in 2008.

I'd like to lie to you. Tell you that everything is going to be okay. Congratulate you on the great decisions you're making now that will take dreams and make them much more than that, setting you up for the future.

Reality is harsh. This is one of the tough lessons you still need to learn. The good news is that the next 10 years will put you on a pathway to an excellent learning curve that will change you even more.

First things first I want to talk to you about self deception. This is something that has become a feature in your life. I know that you know you've overlooked the truth or found a way to subvert it so that you can have your fantasy as reality. Eventually you're going to have to accept that you can't lie to yourself anymore, you can't keep using self subterfuge to maintain the life you want to hold on to. One day you're going to have to deal with accepting that many things are not as you see them.

Your marriage. You already know it's not perfect and that you aren't completely happy. You will find ways to make the marriage happy but they will be things that prolong a relationship both you and Lana should have exited when you both first started seeing each other. In the early days you remember how awful it was and yet you both stuck it out. Those times are not done, they will come back and you will struggle for a long time to subdue them. You can't, they will eventually overpower you. Learn when to stop fighting for something that isn't worth fighting for.

You've just started promoting burlesque shows. You are going on such an adventure with this but it's important to remember that adventures have moments of adversity and a way of revealing the truth about yourself as well as the people around you. Enjoy the ride, be ready for the problems and remember that some things are not forever. But when your time behind the scenes is over you will still have something that brings you joy.

Your studies in psychotherapy are so important. You must continue them until their natural end. The struggles you face are worth it. When other parts of your life fall by the wayside and you face loosing everything it will be the work you do in psychotherapy that will be your biggest form of support. If you don't go down this path you will never find the way to personal growth and when the worst times hit you won't survive them. I'm serious about this one, you will stare death in the face and want to welcome him as a friend, you won't have anyone you feel you can ask for help as one by one all those who could help you reveal that they can't. In a defining moment you will have to be mentally stronger than you have ever been before and stop yourself from self destructing.

You have externalised all your worth and feelings of love. You aren't worth anything unless you're of value to others. You're only worthy of love is someone loves you. These ways of being are so false but so easy for you to do. The most painful and difficult lesson you will ever learn is to finally love yourself and I mean healthy love. You're going to put yourself through some terrible experiences as you try to be loved only to face more and more illusions and self deception until it breaks you. You'll try to switch off your feelings but you won't be allowed to do so when you do. Until you start to look within yourself for the love and care you crave you'll continue to suffer.

Love your cats as much as you can. You'll be there at the end for two of them as they take their final breaths. I'd like to tell you not to hate yourself for not being able to save them but that would be impossible. Accepting that you can't perform miracles pales in comparison to being with someone you love as they die because you chose to end their suffering. Just be aware that in the end you will accept that you did the only kind thing you could.

You will enter a job that feels like a curse. For a long time you will resent the company you end up working for but it will prove to be an important part of your life, giving you that one piece of hope that will be there for you when you loose everything else. It won't be your dream job but it will be what you need to start enjoying your life again.

Gehenna, your stage persona in burlesque, is going to be so much more than a character. You're going to find him problematic and you're going to try and eliminate him from your life. That's not going to happen. Gehenna is an authentic part of yourself that you need to accept. Don't let others tell you how to be, be you.

My letter to you seems very much doom and gloom. The reality is you're living a very unhealthy life. I can tell you that you are going to have to do a lot of hard work without any instantly gratifying reward. You're going to have to restart your adult life from the start all over again when you're in your early 40's. Your midlife really will be a crisis and even now as I write this I can't claim that your life is perfect, but you will never have been a better man than you have been when you get to 46. Everything you will go through over the next 10 years will be worth it.

Love

James

There's nothing better than a good lie

With apologies to my Godmother.

When I was a child I was allowed excessive freedom by my unhappily married parents. Sometimes I would stay with my Godparents which created an internal conflict for me. My Godmother had a healthy belief in boundaries for children, something that I resented her for because my life away from her did not have them. Any thought of rebelling was soon decided against because my Godmother was anything but a pushover. This was my first memory of wearing a psychological mask whilst around people.

Wearing a mask became a safety mechanism for me. I was an only child and never one for mixing with other children. I did have friends but they were few and far between. I was as fine not hanging out with what friends I had as I was more than capable of entertaining myself through my own imagination, however this loosing myself in my imagination also left me disconnected from my peers and thus an easy target for discrimination and abuse.

I could tell you that my early years once I became of a certain school age were Hell. I wouldn't be lying if I did. My defence against institutionalised bullying was to develop a resilience that was near unbreakable. I was the child and young teenager that just got back up again and continued as normal, normal for me anyway.

Poor boundaries, not being accepted, feeling happiest when not fitting in and becoming a target because I chose to be different are all the ingredients I needed to become very good at wearing a mask.

One of my closest friends, someone I've known for nearly 30 years, looked clean through my mask when I first met him. I was going through an angry stage and he was in the right place at the right time. I was aggressive towards him in an inauthentic way so he responded by telling me that it would be a lot better if we went to the pub and had a beer instead. Although I do from time to time still wear my mask with him it is now more a running joke and he always takes me to task over it without an ounce of malice.

In many other areas of life I learnt to wear a mask. Not wearing a mask could cause me problems due to my failed lessons on fitting in. The mask became a strategy to fit in to a world I didn't feel a part of. I had learnt indirectly from my parents how to fake it as they lied to themselves and each other about their marriage. There's nothing better than a good lie.

I carried on that belief about there being nothing better than a good lie as I went from failed relationship to failed relationship. Sometimes I wore the mask to fool myself, an unhealthy practice I have now learnt to curb through checking what I'm thinking with what actually is.

My mask has evolved though. Now I have a fun way to use it. In certain cases I use my mask for mischief. Sometimes other people project their fantasies on to me, fantasies that are far from the truth and used to bring themselves up at my expense. If the person or persons guilty of the projections are annoying or irritating enough I will play in to their fantasies and then turn them against them. As a child I spent countless hours in my head, as an adult I took an interest in how people think and behave. Although I'm far from an expert I have been known to use my mask to turn other people's projections on to me back on to them. People's minds are not powerful weapons, so I wear the mask they have given me and ramp it up. From the woman at a party who decided iconic rock star Marilyn Manson was responsible for the Columbine school shooting to the weird woman who stalked me on AOL and the real world because I was an evil Satanist to the work colleague who decided I was some kind of deviant. I have worn a mask for all of them. All have solidified their belief of what I was before I slipped my mask of to other people around them.

Wearing a mask has its drawbacks. It can be exhausting. Not being able to be the real me around people isn't always healthy. Sometimes I've been forced to wear a mask for a long time. My last serious relationship required me to wear a mask for years, taking off the mask because I was so tired of tricking myself in to accepting the unhealthy relationship was slowly destroying me and turning me in to a monster.

Wearing a mask can also be fun. Let's just say I indulged some fantasies with women who only wanted fantasies. Adapting to their likes was an important part of the mask wearing. Some did want more. Only one did I unmask for in every sense of the word but it backfired as I was the spitting image of a boyfriend she had been in a bad relationship with. From that point onwards I told other women to enjoy the fantasy. Lesson learnt the hard way.

The truth is that the comment there's nothing better than a good lie is just another mask.

Being able to take my mask off and being completely authentic with someone else is a lot more satisfying, even if it's rare.

When I take my mask off and connect there is nothing better than being real with someone. I want some people to see the real me. But more importantly, when I take my mask off it's because the person I do that with accepts me as I am.

Those that get the mask receive nothing better than a good lie, often a good lie they may have played a part in creating.

Can you see me?

I am a young teenager in the 1980's and tacky Ninja movies are all the rage. A friend and I decide to go on an adventure, so dressing all in black and covering our faces like Ninjas we embark on a late night garden hopping expedition through his neighbourhood. Over a series of 6 foot high garden fences we climb whilst people sit oblivious in their sitting rooms, the lights inside their homes and the sound from their television sets do more to keep us unnoticed than our fantastical beliefs in our skills.

Inevitably, in the dark, I climbed over a fence and end up tumbling to the floor after stepping blindly on a plant pot. The noise alerted an elderly woman inside her kitchen so she came out to investigate. In the darkness I adopted a foetal position. I was aware that she has seen me but she didn't have a torch so I was a black shadow in the darkness. I moved slowly, adopting the movement and shape of a cat to try and convince her that she had a feline intruder, that was the idea running through my head at the time. Maybe through a combination of darkness, dark clothing and my body I succeeded in tricking her. She didn't seem afraid, she just turned around and walked away after spending what felt like forever looking at me.

Perhaps what really happened that night was that I was invisible.

Invisibility is something I have experienced a lot in my life. Not being seen was something that started from an early age. Unhappily married young parents, both trying to live the lives they want but cannot completely have. A young child with no guidance or boundaries is left to his own devices. Even at the age of 4 I would go with my parents to the markets they worked at, then I would wander off and entertain myself. This wandering spirit was created by neglectful parents and a society that didn't have the same modern day understanding of the predators that lurk, looking for a young victim. Once, late at night, whilst I walked myself home from the youth club via a dark alleyway I was grabbed by a man I could not see. I remember him picking me up and telling me to be calm as I went ballistic, kicking, punching and wriggling to get free. Eventually I broke free, ran home and never looked back at the potential could have been result of that night. In an alternate time line I became a tragic story in a newspaper, in this time line I was lucky.

I had no siblings and due to my independent nature I was never one to mix with my peers. I didn't realise that I was setting my self down the path of invisibility. Even now I have a few select good friends, nothing more.

Being invisible is both a blessing and a curse. When I don't want to be noticed I can pass through unseen or unobserved. I've even learnt the rules of just being visible enough so that people don't question why I'm where I am and then go back to ignoring me. That may sound dubious but it's not, if I'm out in the city and need to use the bathroom I use this skill to use cleaner facilities in hotels rather than the rancid public toilets in the Bullring or Grand Central.

Sometimes I forget that I'm so good at being invisible. I have unintentionally scared people I work with when they turn around and see me by them in staff break room. On the plus side I find it easy to slip away from a works night out when I become bored, the people I work with are not my people, that's just the way it is. But there are downsides. Five years ago I was working for another company when a snow storm hit. The office closed early and everyone with cars started arranging to help those without them get home, except for me. Being invisible means I haven't always used my voice to be seen and heard. Never mind, I indulged in an adventure and met a man in the same predicament as myself on my trek home. As luck would have it we managed to grab one of the last few buses running in the terrible conditions.

Being invisible meant I have struggled to get my needs met over the years. Sometimes when I'm out and about I see couples or groups of friends as I silently walk through the world like a shadow. I envy them, I envy the connections they have made. Birmingham is where I live, work and play but since my marriage ended it has been the city I have been alone in.

When you are raised to be invisible there are some deeper benefits to it. I am capable of existing alone. Not being seen is not the terrible fate that some would fear if they became isolated from their friends, family or loved ones. For me, being alone is normal, even if I do envy others. Being invisible has also played in to my selectiveness over whom I do connect with. Some people are social butterflies, making very loose and meaningless connections with people. I cannot make trivial connections with others as I simply don't need it. Social media is where I have lots of trivial connections but in the real world my connections from social media are passing. For me to open up to someone and let them see me I need something far more than trivial.

So if you walk by me in the street don't worry that you didn't see me, it's just how I am and no offence should be taken. I'm fine with being this way, I've been like it for years and now it's just how I am.

But if you're one of the very few that I do become visible for, be aware that my connection to you is powerful. You've made me want to be seen by you, that's something I don't just do for anyone.

When there is silence can you see me or just the shadows?

This is not the end.

I have fallen down so many times in my life and had to start again from ground zero that I once felt like I was my own worst enemy. I have mastered the skill of opening my mouth or typing something in to a status and then causing irreparable harm to myself in the eyes of others. Any apology was never going to make up for my failings and trust was gone. So I would sink to an all new depth that I had probably created for myself because most normal people didn't need a depth beyond those that already existed. On a personal level I was continuously surprised at the personal devastation I could inflict upon myself. Some people get to a stage where they self harm to have some semblance of control over themselves, I would skip the physical harm and just drop one alienating bomb after another on myself. Then I would self purge the demons others would tell me I carried and find myself back at the beginning again on a new path through life that wasn't as nice as the older easier one I was part way down in the past.

The Gehenna Complex, my original blog, was one of those falling down moments. To be honest it was more a moment of seeing the cliff edge, knowing it was a fatal fall to the bottom and then taking a long run at that cliff edge, thinking I'd be okay because I had a really good idea that couldn't possibly result in my running off the cliff edge in to the abyss.

That was a pretty hard impact when I hit the ground.

The fallout that followed was an interesting moment when I found out that my real world friends just rolled their eyes at me, called me am idiot (not the actual word) and life continued as normal. Some social media friends revealed themselves to be more concerned with their social standing in other groups until the heat died down. One person who had nothing to gain from me decided to offer an olive branch whilst, like my real world friends, being congruent with me over my latest fall. Lots of other associates left, some eventually wandered back but nothing would be the same again. One person, a complete stranger to me at the time of my fall, unknowingly forced me to revisit that moment and deal with the real consequences of my actions for that fall in a way I never imagined would happen, that was excruciatingly painful and the memory has lived with me ever since.

Falling down is important. Personal failure is important. When I hit rock bottom I have to look at the world with a mind that is completely and painfully aware. Whether the fall is the end of a relationship, the end of a friendship, the death of a dream, the closing of doors or the loss of opportunity there are always lessons to learn and realities to finally see.

Lying to ourselves or living in an inauthentic world we pretend is real are all preparations for the inevitable fall. We all will find something when we hit the ground, we just may not realise it until long after we have picked ourselves up again.

What I found when I fell down was the realisation that the life I had lived was over. I had refused to accept it, somehow holding on to the fantasy that one day I would return to where I had been. In the process of lying to myself my unconscious mind sought to free me and used my most tried and tested self destructive method to do so.

Having isolated myself I then found myself facing homelessness again, this time with all my financial resources exhausted and those friends and family left unable to assist me. This was the first time in my life that I felt like ending my life.

Suicidal feelings are insane. Some people use suicide as a call for help when they feel powerless to ask for help. I wasn't in that mind set. I'd already asked for help and come up blank. My suicidal thoughts deliberately remained firmly within my head. The stress and anxiety had broken through the usual self preservation that protects me and I was now logically processing the multiple options available to me of how to end my life. After all the turmoil and emotional anguish of trying to find a way I was finally completely calm, I had a way forward. One person tried to safeguard me when my Gehenna Complex blog fall happened. I made a conscious choice not to say anything to her. she might have interfered now that I needed to be in complete control of my destiny.

Writing this blog now makes me wonder if this is how self-harmers feel, do they become overloaded with feelings before a calm voice tells them 'if you hurt yourself you'll be free of the other pain.'

Once again I had fallen down. In my worst moments I saw the way out of this latest issue. I had been taught not to need other people through my last fall. Now I was faced with saving my own life. I remember having to self counsel myself. I felt like two completely calm voices were in conflict inside my head. In the end the voice of self preservation was the stronger, calmer and more logical of the two. Then I went to my employer at the time, apologised for not giving them the required notice before leaving and was promptly thrown the lifeline I needed. Had I not seen that only I could help myself I would have wasted more time I didn't have and not had the time needed to get myself a new home, falling down again made me do what I needed to do.

So when you do fall down just remember to realise that there are hard lessons during that fall that you may only find when you are staring at the ground. Failure is not always the end, sometimes it's the beginning.

I have so much more to tell you, even if you is just me working thoughts through my head.

This is not the end.